Hope Springs Eternal

Hope Springs Eternal
Rachel Birdsell

Rachel Birdsell

According to some people, spring is going to be here before too long. That would be something to celebrate except that these people are all lying bastards.

According to these liars, spring will arrive in a blaze of color, with purple crocuses, and bright yellow daffodils and forsythias. It will glide in on a robin’s wing, and come wobbling to us in a lamb’s first faltering steps. I don’t know why these people want to lie about spring. Maybe giving us false hope makes their little sadistic hearts happy.

I say may there be a pox upon their land and all its inhabitants, because spring obviously isn’t showing up this year. I realize that’s rather pessimistic of me, but my feet haven’t been warm since November, and I’m convinced they’ll never be warm again. Hence, therefore, and hereto forthwith, spring shall be no more.

Never fear, though. I’m here to make the best of a bad situation. I’ve come up with ways we can still celebrate spring, even though spring is a no-show jerk of a season.

• Turn the heat to 75 or 80, and dress in shorts, tank top and flip flops. Okay, maybe that’s more summer than spring, but it’s my list, dammit, I’ll dress how I want.

• Buy every single fresh flower at Walmart, and put them on ever horizontal surface in my house. The flowers at the nation’s largest discount store look exactly like they come from the nation’s largest discount store, but they’re still flowers, and I’m poor.

• Download bird sounds to play during the daylight hours, preferably the sweet chirps of robins and other spring birds as opposed to the screeching death call of a falcon as it swoops down to murder a perch.

• Fake having more daylight hours by setting up portable lighting in the living room that takes so much power to operate that it makes an audible noise when it’s switched on.

• Watch a movie about a farm. Every single movie about a farm will inevitably have a scene where a baby animal is born. Baby animals = spring. Animal Farm may be the exception to the rule.

• Make bird’s nests out of shredded paper, Brillo pads, the wad of hair you just pulled out of your hairbrush, or whatever else you can find around the house that looks slightly nest-like. Fill the nests with eggs. This is kind of boring, but nature dictates that there be nests in the springtime, and we can’t go around messing with nature.

• Procure whatever allergen hits you in the springtime, and let it loose in the house. Allergic to maple pollen? Order a pound or two of it, and then sit around and enjoy the springtime ritual of watery, itchy eyes, incessant sneezing and bucketsful of snot.

• With spring comes wind, so go buy the biggest fans you can find – the ones that are used in industrial outbuildings should work. Put them on either end of the house, and enjoy your own tornado season.

So, let the liars rave on about spring. While they’re still shivering in the middle of July, we’ll be enjoying our indoor beach party, cookout and swarms of giant mosquitoes.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and graphic artist. You can reach her at rabirdsell@gmail.com.

Categories: Commentary