The Christmas That Couldn’t Be Saved

The Christmas That Couldn’t Be Saved
Rachel Birdsell

Rachel Birdsell

Through movies, books, and now dance and song, Kirk Cameron — known for his role of Seaver on television’s “Growing Pains” — has made it clear that he and God are BFFs, and that if anyone doubts anything he says, they’re wrong. He doesn’t do this with any particular grace or humility, either. He’s rather arrogant about it all. But, Kirk has had to learn some hard lessons, lately, such as: with tall pedestals come great falls, and be careful what you ask for, and always wear clean underwear.

The third may not really be anything Kirk learned, but it’s still important, kids. So, how did he learn these lessons? By putting out a total crap movie. You might think that was a really stupid way to learn a life lesson, and you’re right. It was. The movie, “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas”, tells the tale of how Christian White — which is the most right wing name ever — has lost his faith in Christmas. He’s distraught that Christmas is so darn commercial and secular and non-Jesusy, and he hates that even Christians are so caught up in said commercialism and secularism.

Have no fear, because Christian’s brother-in-law, Kirk, is here to save the day via a droning monologue about how everything about Christmas can be traced back to Jesus if you take some circuitous routes and have a really low IQ. He also tells Christian that we should embrace the commercialism of Christmas because Jesus wants us to praise him by celebrating Christmas as lavishly as we can. Huge hams! Giant Christmas trees! Mounds of sweet potatoes! Gold! Silver! Myrrh!

Kirk even lets us know that Jesus wants us to use the richest butter at our Christmas dinner.That’s right, Kirk. Jesus was nothing, if not ostentatious, and spent shit tons of shekels on the finest butter in the land.

The movie culminates with a hip hop dance to a remixed version of Angels We Have Heard on High, and I so wish I was making up that bit.

Because of majorly sucking, Kirk’s movie started getting more bad reviews than good. This didn’t sit well with Kirk, because he’ll be goddamned if his movie gets dissed by a bunch of liberal punks who hate Christmas. So, he asked followers of his Facebook page to flood Rotten Tomatoes with positive reviews of his craptacular movie.

To put it eloquently, this went over like a turd in a punch bowl. Ever the bonehead, Kirk didn’t realize that people who find him off-putting, as well as people who hated the movie could see his cry for help. These warriors then heeded the call, and went in droves to give the movie two thumbs way, way, way down. And it wasn’t just a bunch of godless heathens giving it bad reviews. Christians were blowing raspberries at it, too, because the movie has the flavor and zest of a wet saltine. “Saving Christmas” has subsequently earned a 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and has obtained the honor of becoming the worst movie of all time on IMDb.

Congratulations, Kirk! You didn’t save Christmas or your ratings, and you’ve disappointed the baby Jesus. I hope you can still enjoy your huge ham, gigantic tree and extra rich butter.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance artist and graphic designer. You can reach her at

Categories: Commentary