Aw, Shoot!

Aw, Shoot!

By Rachel Birdsell

As sick as I am that it’s taken too many killings to convince our government something has to be done about gun control, I am happy there is finally something happening. Vice President Joe Biden is heading up a task force that is looking into what steps we can take to not only improve our gun laws but to improve our mental health care, as well. I know for some people, the former strikes terror in their little, gun-loving hearts. We’ll talk more about them in a minute.

Personally, I don’t like guns and I’ve never felt the need to own one. But, I don’t expect our government to ban them, and I don’t have a problem with calm, rational people owning a gun or two. I do think assault weapons and high-capacity magazines should be banned, though. I also think we need tighter laws that would require all gun owners to be licensed. A more thorough background check would be one of the steps towards getting a gun license, as well as a proficiency test to make sure you’re not going to accidentally shoot someone because you forgot to unload the gun before cleaning it. The most important part of receiving a gun license would be a mental evaluation. Before being evaluated by a psychiatrist, there would be a short quiz to quickly differentiate between those who are jack-all crazy about guns and those who are reasonable and responsible about guns. Feel free to play along to see if you’re a gun nutter.

1. Have you ever made the statement, “The government can have my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.”? If you answered yes, you just failed the test.

2. Do you feel the need to have an arsenal in your house? If so, no guns for you. Unless you’re inordinately talented, you can only shoot two guns at a time, so don’t you think owning 37 is a bit excessive?

3. While discussing gun control, have you ever tried to make the argument that since cars, baseball bats and knives kill people they should be outlawed? If you have, you clearly don’t understand, unlike guns whose sole purpose is for killing, the other items’ purposes are something other than killing. I’ve never known anyone to use a gun to slice a tomato or to hit a baseball.

4. When you hear the words “gun control,” do you break out into profuse perspiration and start blubbering that the government is going to take away your guns? If so, you are a tad too easily excitable and shouldn’t have your finger near the trigger of any firearm.

5. Have you ever taken a picture of yourself kissing a gun or laying on a bed surrounded by your guns? If you have, your guns will be seized and will not be returned until you can prove you no longer view them as a love interest. If you’ve ever taken a picture of yourself naked with your guns, they will be seized and never returned to you.

6. Do you know any other constitutional amendments other than the second one? If not, your application will be denied until you can name at least three other amendments.
Finally, if you have worked yourself into a dither over anything I’ve written here, you obviously aren’t one of those rational people I mentioned earlier and your application will be denied, shredded and recycled into targets to be used in the licensing proficiency test.

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Categories: Commentary