Doom Raider
I think the guy I recently started dating might run in the same circles as my ex. (He’s said a few things that led me to think that.) This terrifies me because I really do not like my ex and don’t want there to be any overlap in our lives. I keep having nightmare scenarios play out in my head where I show up to the bar after my new guy’s poker game and my ex is there. What can I do if this happens?
—Distressed
It helps to suddenly become British when you run into someone you dread seeing, because a posh British accent is ideal for conveying a polite greeting like: “What a surprise. I was sure someone would’ve poisoned you by now, or at least electrocuted you in the bathtub.”
What doesn’t help is ruminating on how you’ll feel if you do see your ex. Unfortunately, our mind is not our BFF, and it has a habit of sending us off in directions that cause us needless suffering. For example, we are our own worst emotional fortunetellers, or in psychologists’ terms, we are crap at “affective forecasting.” (“Affect” is a fancy-schmancy researcher word for moods and emotions we experience.) Social psychologists Sarit Golub and Daniel Gilbert find that we tend to overestimate how bad some future event will make us feel. This overblown prediction of how miserable we’ll be in the future serves to bum us out in the present. Accordingly, the researchers observe that “it may be” as the Stoic philosopher Seneca noted nearly 2 million years ago, “He who suffers before it is necessary suffers more than is necessary.”
When the ex pops up in your head, instead of rerunning your usual social horror movies, recognize that you have what it takes to deal with whatever comes your way. After all, what’s the worst thing that’s likely to happen, an uncomfortable silence preceding an uncomfortable moment greeting each other? (This is rarely fatal.) Keep reminding yourself of this whenever dread arises, and though you might never become a pillar of chill, you should find your overall level of hysteria dialed down considerably.
Eventually, if your paths do cross, you should be able to stand there like it’s no big deal, which suggests you are barely cognizant of his continued existence…in a way running outside and hiding between parked cars like it’s a hostage crisis just can’t.
Undercover Smother
I’m a 33-year-old bisexual female manager, and a co-worker seems to have an intense crush on me. She invites me out for drinks and buys me little gifts (a teddy bear, chocolates, flowers, a heart-shaped necklace). I make excuses to get out of drinks and show no enthusiasm for the gifts, but the more I don’t show interest, the more obsessed she seems. How do I get her to stop without making it awkward?
—Disturbed
It’s really uncomfortable when any conversation she has with you includes the breathy subtext: “I like your outfit. I’d like it even more if it were in a pile on the conference room floor.”
It’s possible she’s experiencing limerence, a constant, obsessive romantic longing for another person that leads to often-smothering acts intended to get that person to reciprocate. Though limerence can seem like a form of love, love involves concern for the other’s feelings and well-being. In limerence, the limerent person’s target is a love object they’re pursuing: the romantic obsession version of a dirty tennis ball a dog’s chasing that never rolls to a stop.
However, there is a way out. Psychologists Albert Wakin and Duyen Vo explain that “limerence is sustained and fueled by uncertainty,” which heightens the limerent person’s hope as well as their cravings for emotional reciprocation from the object of their obsessive desire. They add that “the limerence reactions tend to dissipate in conditions where there is complete certainty,” whether it’s “absolute reciprocation or the other extreme of absolute rejection.”
The kindest thing you can do (for yourself and for her) is help her give up hope — immediately, lest Tacky Gift Mountain start growing a twin peak. Take her aside and say: “I just want to clear up any possible misunderstanding. I’m not interested in ANY relationship beyond being co-workers.” If she tries again or the gift barrage continues, tell her again in unambiguous language (providing the necessary “absolute rejection”). Don’t explain why. You are not interested in her. Period. Revealing this to her will surely be awkward, but it gives her the “complete certainty” she needs to escape the claws of limerence and, best of all, before you run out of excuses to escape her regular “Wanna go for drinks after work?”
You: “I have to feed my cat.”
Her: “I thought your cat died last year.”
You: “I have to feed its ghost.”
(c)2020, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com. @amyalkon on Twitter. Weekly podcast: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon
Order Amy Alkon’s new book, “Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence,” (St. Martin’s Griffin, 2018).
