Of Hair And Hubris

By Rachel BirdsellCurious Crow

I received an email today from moveon.org member, Angelo Carusone. Mr. Carusone started a petition last year to boycott Macy’s until they stopped carrying Donald Trump’s 100 percent America-made clothing that is made in China. I know it’s confusing as to how something can be American made when the labels clearly read, “Made in China,” but that’s only because we can’t understand the mind of Donald Trump. For which we should all be grateful.

Last year, after Trump made an ass of himself by offering to donate $5 million to President Obama’s charity of choice if the president would release his birth certificate, Carusone started thinking about Trump’s brand. It didn’t take him long to come to the conclusion that Trump’s brand was “consequence-free bullying and chicanery.” Carusone didn’t feel like this was consistent with the Macy’s he has always shopped with, so the “Dump Trump” campaign was born, complete with a long-form birth certificate.

The boycott seems to be making headway, and has Trump throwing a big tantrum that has his tiny, little mouth even more pursed than normal and has his double comb-over flapping in the wind. Did you know that’s how Trump gets his hair to do what it does? He grows it out long in the back and combs it forward over his bald plate. Then he grows it long on the left side and combs that hair over the previously combed forward hair. He then fluffs the top comb over and sprays it with exactly 32 squirts of Aqua Net. It’s a comb-over wrapped in a comb over, encased in a flaky crust.

Trump became so upset about the boycott he was worried that his special “Melted Burnt Sienna Crayon” bronzer was going to melt off due to his rage, so he had his attorneys send Mr. Carusone a cease and desist letter and threatened him with a $25 million lawsuit if he continued with his campaign. Trump has been quite sue happy lately, hasn’t he? Not too long ago he threatened Bill Maher with a $5 million lawsuit because one night on his show, Maher jokingly said that he’d pay Trump $5 million if Trump could prove he wasn’t a “spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan.” Trump sent Maher a copy of his birth certificate that showed that he wasn’t a spawn of an orangutan, but rather the love child of a baboon and a roll of fiberglass insulation, so Trump is demanding that Maher pay up.

A couple of days after Trump’s attorneys sent Carusone the letter, Trump threw down some reverse psychology in a tweet, “My ties & shirts at Macy’s are doing great. Stupid @GoAngelo is making people aware of how good they are!”

See? When you have an ego the size of Trump’s, everything works out in your favor. He has Carusone playing right into his hands. Trump shirts and ties will soon be the National Shirt and Tie of America and China.

I think we can all learn from Trump that when you don’t have anything of merit to get you some attention, resort to douche baggery. Also, men with really small mouths have really small … minds.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can write her at rabirdsell@gmail.com or find her at facebook.com/RachelABirdsell

Categories: Commentary