Not Your Normal Hero

Not Your Normal Hero
XOXOXO, go see my movie. — Deadpool <3

XOXOXO, go see my movie. — Deadpool <3

Heya kids! Deadpool here. In case any of you care, the La Born guy is duct-taped to a chair and gagged by a stupid Pokémon hat in the backroom. After all, who better to review the best movie of the year starring THIS GUY than THIS GUY!Amiright?

I’m definitely right, and my 9mm will back me up if any of you say differently.

Some of you nerds may have heard about how my amazing R-rated superhero movie blew the holy f*ck out of the box office over the weekend. Not that I like to brag, but come on. Ryan and I have been working our sexy asses off for over a decade to get those beautiful buns on the silver screen. I’m allowed to bask for a minute, right?

Some of you may already know me. For those of you who don’t, they call me the Merc With The Mouth, because I never shut the f*ck up. Seriously. This movie is 99 percent me babbling. But that’s not all! It’s not all just explosions and me stabbing bad guys! There’s a love story! No really, there is! The hottie that plays my my precious little sex fiend/bunny/kitten [Okay guys I know how that sounds but ya gotta understand, I am HER precious little sex fiend too. It’s all about balance. Write that down.] is the hottie that plays the hooker in that show Firefly. Morena Baccarin I think? I don’t know, I was too distracted, I mean have you seen her!?

So we were all crazy in love (and I do mean crazy) and then cancer had to come along and f*ck everything up. And I do mean everything. Enter the Weapon X program. You know, those guys that turned everyone’s favorite hairy canuck that’s actually an Australian in disguise into an adamantium killing machine? Still don’t have a clue who this pretty ass belongs too? Think back to that atrocity, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” I was supposed to be in that. And they F*CKED IT UP. I MEAN—- *ahem* Sorry, I still have issues. Yeah, anyway, in MY MOVIE they inject me with his healing factor, and aside from the tragic side effect of looking like my entire body has a horrible case of meth sores, I got a kickass healing factor in it.

Courtesy Photo

Courtesy Photo

But torture isn’t fun. Those f*ckers kidnapped my lady and they have to pay. Pretty standard Hollywood stuff. That’s what this movie is about, really. Sweet, sweet, bloody revenge. And love. And guns. And general badassery. And… uh… I forget.

But here’s the thing that F*CKING baffles me. I went on a PR-spree telling all of you NOT TO BRING YOUR CHILDREN TO THIS MOVIE. Save the kiddies for the bald guy or the one with all the hair and claws. But what do I hear Mr. Duct-Taped-And-Crying tell me? He was sitting behind a row of elementary school kids. Look, I’m a parent, and I get trying to be the “cool dude,” but I literally f*ck, fight, and gorily blow douchebags away in this movie. IT IS NOT FOR CHILDREN.

OK, now that we’re done with the scolding, we can move on to the good part! The good part being this movie about me, Deadpool, and all of my asskickery. There’s also some big metal Russian guy and a pissy teenager, but they aren’t the point, are they? NO! The point is I DID IT! SUCK IT FOX! YOU SEWED THE MERC WITH THE MOUTH’S MOUTH SHUT BUT I CAME BACK FROM THAT TOO! I’M F*CKING INVINCIBLE!

Sorry, got lost there for a minute, but there’s a special kind of pleasure in this variety of gloating.

So grab your f*ckin chimichangas, strap on a horribly unnecessary amount of belt pouches, and get ready to have your faces rocked the f*ck off. Though judging the numbers that have come out, many of you already did. $260 MILLION WORLDWIDE!

Thank you! Thank ME! THANK BULLETS!



Categories: Commentary