Mitt For Brains

Mitt For Brains

Dear Mitt,

I didn’t think I’d have to write to you again, but you have really gone downhill quickly since the first time I wrote. Your trip to gather funds from Americans living abroad was a whirlwind of disaster. It takes a special kind of talent to successfully piss off our allies. I understand that the only foreign policy experience you have is stashing your millions in foreign banks, but if the past few months have been any indication of how you’d woo our allies as president, no thank you.

Ann is still a problem for you, too. When I heard her say that you and she lived in a basement apartment and ate a lot of tuna and pasta, I nearly choked. Was that grilled tuna steaks? C’mon, dude. You were living off stocks your father gave you while going to Harvard. There are millions of other college students who wish they had it so rough. Now, she’s complaining that people are being mean to you. Her exact words were, “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” If Ann thinks campaigning is hard, what does she think being the president would be like? I’m sure her head is only full of ways she’s going to redecorate the White House and the stableplex she’ll be building for her dancing horses, but she needs to somehow find her way to reality.

That’s the biggest problem with you two. You are not in touch with reality. You know the video that was leaked of you saying that 47 percent of Americans were lazy slobs? Okay, that’s paraphrasing. You actually said, “My job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” That let everyone see what an a-hole you can be.  Forty seven percent of Americans may not pay income tax, but two-thirds of those people pay payroll tax. 10.3 percent of the18.1 percent that pay neither tax are the elderly. You just called Grandma a freeloading parasite,  you twit.

And don’t you find it ironic that you’re talking about people not paying income tax while you’re still refusing to release your tax returns?

The 47 percent you were so dismissive of are your nannies, gardeners and pool boys, Mitt. They’re the servers who were delivering the food at your $50,000 a plate dinner in the leaked video. The 47 percent is the crew that cleaned up after the Republican National Convention. They’re also the ones you put out of work when you refused to let them set up as vendors at the convention because you’re so greedy that you wanted your campaign to be the only ones allowed to sell campaign swag. The 47 percent do the jobs you wouldn’t do because you don’t want to get your hands dirty. Instead, you dirty your hands figuratively with the way you do business and the way you campaign for office.

Most recently, you managed to win the title of most lies told in a presidential debate. Twenty seven untruths in 38 minutes was your record and I’m amazed that you were able to walk off stage without the lower portion of your body burned to a crisp. I guess those magic underwear really do work.

I’m not sure if you realize it or not, but you have very probably ruined any hope of ever being our next president, and for that I am very grateful. Please do me a favor and don’t try and run again in 2016. I think we’ve seen quite enough of you. In November, after you admit defeat, you should take Ann on a trip to visit your money in the Caymans and forget how to get back home.

Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at

Categories: Legacy Archive