‘It’s All Good’ News

The new wholesome mascot for the Arkansas Razorback.

Redeeming good folk from the heathen Hog

Editor’s Note: After being accused of being too left-leaning, we’ve decided to include a regular right-leaning voice as a columnist. We discovered there’s an individual among us who has been preaching a way of life that is morally correct and politically right. The Rev. Phillip Seymour McCracken has recently moved from Texas to this region and is the head of The Church of the Salvation of the Sinners.

By the Rev. Phillip Seymour McCracken

First of all, I’d like to introduce myself as the Rev. Phillip Seymour McCracken, and I’m here to clean up Northwest Arkansas of the dirt and scum. And you know who I’m talking to, heathens!
Ever since arriving in this beautiful mountain region, obviously created by the good Lord, I’ve noticed that many of you have given up worshipping his most Holy Name and started worshipping Satan’s Swine, the Devil’s Pig, the Heathen Hog, Purgatory’s Pork — better known as the Razorback.
Yes, the Razorback. If any mascot embodies evil, this horn-toothed — and RED, of all things — least kosher of all the Lord’s creations is it. I expected to come up to enjoy a God-fearing region, and I see it on your cars, I see it on your hats … I’ve seen it on a baby’s shirt! You might as well put that bat-biting freak Ozzy Osborne on that poor child’s clothes. (But don’t get me started on the Devil’s metal!)
And then come Saturday, I feel like the purveyors of porcine putrescence have prevailed!
I understand there’s 75,000 of you who regularly attend on Saturday the Church of Satan’s Swine. The only good thing you’ve got going for you is the games aren’t held Sunday, the LORD’S DAY. Do not worry, GOOD PEOPLE, I shall take on the unrighteous flock of pro football soon, and fight the good fight there as well. But be honest with yourselves, my flock, isn’t the overhanging shadow of the most Evil of Swine more prevalent in this area than that of the Cowboys or Chiefs?
I’ve been preaching to you people all season at the stadium entranceways and the parking lot, but you just don’t listen. I’ve seen you at your tailgate shindigs, and you’re out there eating pork! C’mon you hypocrites — you’ve really taken the concept of taking communion with your savior literally! (And have you invited me over for so much as a barbecue sandwich? No. No, you have not! Where is your charity?)
It shames me that no one else has had the courage to speak against this demon beast. People, people, if the Devil was going to have a pig wouldn’t it look like this? This savage, snarling, scarlet swine? This RAZORBACK?!
But, my friends, here’s the Good News: Go ahead, have your day of cloven-hoof debauchery, your swine celebration, your pigskin lechery. Come Sunday, let’s make this Stadium the greatest church of all. Let’s petition the university and the city and the state to make this unholy establishment a place for pig penitence, swine salvation and HOLY HOG REDEMPTION. We’ll call it the Grand Church of Holy Hog Heaven, where even the filthiest, mud-rollingest sinner can be saved. And may I introduce your new holy wholesome mascot.
Now I know, y’all are heathens, but today I believe the Lord brought you to this page. I want you to write back and let me know how you feel about my views. You can write in to the Free Weekly and soon I’m going to be on the Facebooks.
Or if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll catch me out spreading the Good News on the street in front of that Dick’s Liquors store in that heathen den y’all call the “entertainment district.”
Holy Hog Sooie!

▲ The Rev. Phillip Seymour McCracken is the head of The Church of the Salvation of the Sinners. He preaches a way of life that is morally correct and politically  right.

Categories: Commentary