‘Piranha 3-D’ good; ‘Afterlife’ bad

By Richard Davis

TFW Staff Writer

PHOTO: COURTESY Concept art from the film “Piranha 3-D.”

Oh, no. Not again.

Paul W.S. Anderson must die.

That sentence used to start with director Uwe Boll’s name, but since he beat the ink stains out of a critic in a boxing match, I’m laying off him.

Anderson is the evil mastermind (minus the mind part) behind the “Resident Evil” series of movies. I’ve seen every one of these cinematic farts in the theater, including the latest, “Resident Evil: Afterlife” in poorly done 3-D. And if there’s a fifth film in the series, I’ll probably be a sucker and see it.

So, I figure the only way to save myself from wasting my money on another movie I’ll hate is to kill Anderson. Anyone have an address?

There’s no point in describing the movie. There’s no plot — it’s just a series of events that happen. Logic? Reason? Those are just words Anderson doesn’t care to look up in between trying to emulate the look and action of the “Matrix” movies.

The main bad guy in “Afterlife,” Albert Wesker  — seriously, your badass evil dude is named Albert? — even does a carbon copy of Hugo Weaving’s Agent Smith. I kept expecting him to say “Mr. Anderson, I’m disappointed in you.”

Enough, there’s no point wasting more words. Be smarter than me: don’t see this.

Hooked

“Piranha 3-D” on the other hand knows how to make movie watching fun.

Make a movie fun and who cares how absurd it is? Sure, it’s absolutely ridiculous that a supposedly extinct species of piranha were able to survive isolated in an underground cavern for millennia. But the flesh-munching monsters are too much fun to watch as they feast on a banquet of spring break boobs and butts.

And the 3-D effects? Spectacular. Not “Avatar” spectacular, but spectacular nonetheless. It’s the first live action movie I’ve seen that actually makes good use of the technology. “Piranha” even includes little homage moments to old plotless 3-D movies that were just an excuse to show ice cream cones and bottles coming out of the screen at the viewer’s face.

This is a horror movie with guts, and not just the ones spilling out of actors’ stomachs. If you’ve been looking for a monster movie that doesn’t pull it’s punches on raunchiness, T ’n’ A and gore while still delivering some laughs, this is the movie for you.

On the other hand, if you don’t like the sight of blood, this is one spring break lake vacation to stay away from.