I need to start by apologizing to everyone I may or may not have called a lying bastard about spring being on the way. Turns out you were right. But, you know who really is a lying bastard? Donald Trump. This isn’t about him, though. I just thought that since he hadn’t been in the news lately, Ol’ Sphincter Mouth might have slipped your mind.
I honestly don’t know what this is about. I suppose I could write about Representative Tom Cotton and the other 46 Republican asshats who wrote the letter to Iran explaining that the U.S. government might not necessarily abide by any agreement Iran strikes with the Obama administration. A letter I think should get them all charged with treason. But, you’ve probably read about this in the news to the point of being tired of it. Besides, what would I add to the discussion other than to call them names and suggest they be tied naked to spits and slow-roasted over fire ant hills? Then, there’s the problem with my punishment, that being that after a bite or two of said asshats, the fire ants would want something tastier to eat, and would gather up their little fire ant hills and relocate them to more palatable surroundings.
Then there’s the story about the University of Oklahoma’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity being investigated after a video of the frat boys singing a song that included the stellar lyrics, “There will never be a n****r SAE.” Since the video appeared online, the SAE’s national headquarters closed the OU chapter, suspended all of the members and stated that those who are found responsible for being the racist jerks in question may have their membership privileges revoked permanently. I’m not sure why that’s a “may” and not a “will.” Maybe it depends on how much money daddy “may” have and “will” donate to the national headquarters.
I may be cynical.
I could also write about the Miami Herald’s story by the Florida Center for Investigative Reporting that explained how Florida’s beloved moron, Rick Scott, banned the terms “climate change” and “global warming.” The story reported that Christopher Byrd, a former attorney with the Florida Department of Environmental Protection, related that while the ban wasn’t a written rule, “We were told not to use the terms, ‘climate change’ or ‘global warming.’” I guess in Rick Scott land if you don’t use those actual words, they aren’t actually happening.
And, to round out the idiocy, I suppose I could write about how even though he’s on a subcommittee with the word technology in it, Lesley Graham hasn’t actually ever sent an email, because according to him, “I’ve tried not to have a system where I can just say the first dumb thing that comes to my mind.” Unfortunately, Lesley hasn’t included his mouth as part of that system.
But, I don’t want to write about any of those things, because they make me cranky and I want to weep for humanity, because that’s legal and bludgeoning isn’t. So, instead, I’m just going to not write about them, go get a bowl or gallon of ice cream, and stick my face in it. It’s better than having it buried in the sand, I guess.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can reach her at rabirdsell@gmail.com.
Surplus Stupidity
Rachel Birdsell
I need to start by apologizing to everyone I may or may not have called a lying bastard about spring being on the way. Turns out you were right. But, you know who really is a lying bastard? Donald Trump. This isn’t about him, though. I just thought that since he hadn’t been in the news lately, Ol’ Sphincter Mouth might have slipped your mind.
I honestly don’t know what this is about. I suppose I could write about Representative Tom Cotton and the other 46 Republican asshats who wrote the letter to Iran explaining that the U.S. government might not necessarily abide by any agreement Iran strikes with the Obama administration. A letter I think should get them all charged with treason. But, you’ve probably read about this in the news to the point of being tired of it. Besides, what would I add to the discussion other than to call them names and suggest they be tied naked to spits and slow-roasted over fire ant hills? Then, there’s the problem with my punishment, that being that after a bite or two of said asshats, the fire ants would want something tastier to eat, and would gather up their little fire ant hills and relocate them to more palatable surroundings.
Then there’s the story about the University of Oklahoma’s Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity being investigated after a video of the frat boys singing a song that included the stellar lyrics, “There will never be a n****r SAE.” Since the video appeared online, the SAE’s national headquarters closed the OU chapter, suspended all of the members and stated that those who are found responsible for being the racist jerks in question may have their membership privileges revoked permanently. I’m not sure why that’s a “may” and not a “will.” Maybe it depends on how much money daddy “may” have and “will” donate to the national headquarters.
I may be cynical.
I could also write about the Miami Herald’s story by the Florida Center for Investigative Reporting that explained how Florida’s beloved moron, Rick Scott, banned the terms “climate change” and “global warming.” The story reported that Christopher Byrd, a former attorney with the Florida Department of Environmental Protection, related that while the ban wasn’t a written rule, “We were told not to use the terms, ‘climate change’ or ‘global warming.’” I guess in Rick Scott land if you don’t use those actual words, they aren’t actually happening.
And, to round out the idiocy, I suppose I could write about how even though he’s on a subcommittee with the word technology in it, Lesley Graham hasn’t actually ever sent an email, because according to him, “I’ve tried not to have a system where I can just say the first dumb thing that comes to my mind.” Unfortunately, Lesley hasn’t included his mouth as part of that system.
But, I don’t want to write about any of those things, because they make me cranky and I want to weep for humanity, because that’s legal and bludgeoning isn’t. So, instead, I’m just going to not write about them, go get a bowl or gallon of ice cream, and stick my face in it. It’s better than having it buried in the sand, I guess.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can reach her at rabirdsell@gmail.com.