Walker, Texas Wanker

Walker, Texas Wanker

By Rachel Birdsell

I’ve always suspected that Chuck Norris was a little too far right to be sane, but the video I just watched proves it. He and his wife Gena have released a video warning us of the dire consequences should President Obama be re-elected. They are serious about it, too, and more than a little morose.

Chuck starts the video by saying that “our great country and freedom are under attack.” You know a speech is going to be awesome when it starts with fear. He goes on to say that our country may be lost forever if our country doesn’t change directions. Oh, the sweet glory of doom!

But, Gena doesn’t let Chuck wallow in the doldrums alone. Without cracking a smile, she tells us how great it is to live in the United States. The lack of smiling makes it difficult to believe that she really believes it’s great to live here, but that’s all part of the great Norris plan. In order to appeal to simple-minded “true patriots,” you have to scare the crap out of them, all while praising the country that you’re convinced is going to hell faster than Salman Rushdie on a greased bobsled.

Still looking as though he’s just learned he’s going to be punched in the groin everyday for the rest of his life, Chuck warns us that our country is going “the way of Socialism or something much worse.” Yes, there will be famine and plagues of mutant locusts! Children will be forced to eat their puppies. Mother’s will be forced to eat their children. The sky will open and it will rain battery acid and Richard Dawkins books. All the ice cream in the world will melt. But the true horror will be enduring another four years of a socialist, Muslim, fascist, commie Kenyan! Adding the “something much worse” is an old fear mongering tactic, but quite effective if your base is made up of 5-year-olds or complete morons.

Gena then keeps the ball of disaster rolling with a Reagan quote “You and I have a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this last best hope for man on earth, or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkness.” What the right-wing extremist listeners probably heard was, “We will preserve for our children this last, best, great, white hope or we will sentence them to take the first step into a thousand years of darkies.” Then they waved their rebel flags and grunted something about the South rising again.

Chuck ends his video with, “Let’s unite for God and country and may God continue to bless the United States of America.”

Some questions for you, Chuck: There are people in the United States who don’t believe in the Christian God. How are we to unite for God? Can’t we just unite as Americans? Also, if the U.S. is going to hell, how can you think that God is blessing it? Also, aren’t you supposed to be a tough guy with something like 84 black belts? Why are you such a frightened little twit? And finally, did you somehow get your head squished in your Total Gym and suffer brain damage?

I admit that fear is necessary sometimes. If someone is on fire, you should probably frantically scream that they’re going to die if they don’t roll around on the floor. However, if you’re using unnecessary fear to try and sway people to your way of thinking, you’re nothing more than a big bully. We all know that the only way to defuse a bully is to stand up to them, and that’s what we have to do — even if the bully has 84 black belts.
Rachel Birdsell is a freelance writer and artist. You can drop her a line at rabirdsell@gmail.com


Categories: Commentary