Advice Goddess
Along Came Polygraph
On the success-in-crime scale, this is like getting picked up by the cops for bank robbery — because the bank manager spotted you making off with that pen on a chain.
Scold Rush
There are times when directness is best. Like if you’re an air traffic controller. What’s important is not that you make the pilot feel supported in his life goals but that he brings the plane to a stop on the runway instead of in some lady’s pool.
The Agony Of Delete
Unfortunately, personal disasters like getting dumped get none of the funding and attention of natural disasters.
Knight Terrors
If only giving you a hand financially worked like giving medicine to a dog, then your boyfriend could just grind up some money and sneak it into your food.
Will Onesies Never Cease?
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: “I became CEO of the company!” “I got into Juilliard!” And then there’s your friend: “We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!”
Fasten Your Bible Belt
It’s Jesus’ birthday, but seeing as you guys aren’t that close, you figured he wouldn’t mind if you skipped it.
Heavy Meddle
It’s normal to keep some personal information secret from the person you’re dating – like your exact income or the fact that you belt out Lynyrd Skynyrd in the car every day on your way to work.
To Leech According To Her Needs
You need to establish a new house rule: “Residents and their guests can experience only one climate at a time.”
Doody-Bound
I like to offer “Don’t have sex!” as a form of practical advice — usually just as I’m getting into my flying car.
Whoa Is Me
You lost your girlfriend and were thinking, “At least I have my job.” Then you lost your job and were thinking, “At least I have my confidence.” Whatever happens, don’t say, “At least I have my penis.”
