Sh!t Republicans Say

Compiled by Rachel Birdsell

As the drama-filled GOP Primaries launch into a full-fledged, bloodthirsty competition, candidates are firing snarky com-ments at one another left and right. The Free Weekly went straight to the source of this ammunition — that’s right, the horse’s mouth. The saying that “You are you’re own worst enemy” rings true in the political sphere where public statement is documented and monitored just as closely as public policy.

Mitt ‘Flip Flop’ Romney — The Vacillator

If you don’t like Mitt Romney’s stance on a particular issue, just wait a few minutes and he’ll change it!

Climate Change

“And so I think it’s important for us to reduce our emissions of pollutants and greenhouse gases that may well be significant contributors to the climate change and the global warming that you’re seeing.”

A few months later:

“My view is that we don’t know what’s causing climate change on this planet. And the idea of spending trillions and trillions of dollars to try to reduce CO2 emissions is not the right course for us.”
Health Care

“Well that’s what we did in Massachusetts. And that is we put together an exchange, and the President’s copying that idea. I’m glad to hear that.”

Of course, he’s changed his mind.

“Obamacare is bad news and if I’m President of the United States I will repeal it.”


“I don’t think I’ve ever hired an illegal in my life.”

Two minutes later…

“We hired a lawn company to mow our lawn and they had illegals who were working there.”

Then Mitt unabashedly stated, “I’m not going to change my positions by virtue of being in a presidential campaign.”

He’s either a liar of epic proportions or he’s extremely delusional.

Rick ‘Little Bush’ Perry — The Huckster

Rick reminds me of another certain half-wit from Texas, and we all know what he did to our country. I don’t think Rick can count to potato any faster than Bush could.

The American Revolution

“It was actually the reason that we fought the revolution in the 16th century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown if you will.”

“George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.”


On the Marines who urinated on Afghan corpses

“Obviously, 18-, 19-year-olds make stupid mistakes all too often. What’s really disturbing to me is just, kind of, the over-the-top-rhetoric from this administration and their disdain for the military.”

Rick ‘Ol’ Frothy-Santorum — The Voyeur

Rick Santorum is obsessed with sex, and is particularly fixated on butt sex of the gay kind.

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not OK. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. [Sex] is supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal … but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen … . This is special and it needs to be seen as special.”

“When you look at someone to determine whether they’d be the right person for public office, look at who they lay down with at night and what they believe in.”

“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality.”

“[I have] a problem with homosexual acts, as I would with what I would consider to be acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships … if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery.”

Ron ‘Uncle Nutter’ Paul — The Mad Hatter

“The Founding Fathers envisioned a robustly Christian yet religiously tolerant America, with churches serving as vital institutions that would eclipse the state in importance.”

“There is no consensus in the scientific community that global warming is getting worse or that it is manmade.”

“I will veto any spending bill that contains funding for Planned Parenthood, facilities that perform abortion and all government family planning schemes.”

“It would help the poor people who need jobs. Minimum wage is a mandate. We’re against mandates so why should we have it? It would be very beneficial.”

“I don’t really believe “gun-free” zones make any difference. If they did, why would the worst shootings consistently happen in gun-free zones such as schools?”

Newt ‘Whitey’ Gingrich — The Xenophobe

“I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time [his grandchildren are] my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

“We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto.”

“I will go to the NAACP convention and tell the African-American community why they should demand paychecks instead of food stamps.”

“We should have English as the official language of government and we should have a method for distinguishing between people who have lived here a long time and people who have come very recently.”

Jon ‘Token’ Huntsman — The Outsider

I guess at some point, the Republicans felt they needed at least one somewhat intelligent candidate to throw in the ring with the mouth breathers.

“I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy.”

“I believe in traditional marriage first and foremost. I’ve been married 28 years, with seven terrific kids. But I also believe in civil unions, because I think this nation can do a better job when it comes to equality.”

And Jon succinctly summed up the entire Republican primary race:

“This is exactly what is wrong with politics. It’s show business over substance.”

Huntsman officially withdrew from the race on Jan. 16 and has since given his endorsement to Romney.

Categories: Commentary