I like Crocs, but not the people who wear them.

I guess we should have seen it coming… 

By Sheryl Porter

         The phenomenon that is Crocs amazes, bewilders and appalls me.  When Crocs were introduced, the molded plastic shoe offered comfort, durability and easy care. Prior to Crocs, we all has a pair (or pairs) of dingy old sneakers that we kept in the garage for such activities as weeding, washing the car, romping in the river, washing the dogs, etc. We now have Crocs and all we have to do is hose them off and go. Simple concept, eh?

Like the generations of lazy people before us, a group of ‘some ones’ decided that wearing Crocs as a normal street shoe was a good idea. I guess we should have seen it coming. The 70’s and 80’s marked the fitness trend in America. People were engaging in aerobics, running and buying stationary bikes at an alarming rate. This fitness revolution birthed the sweat suit. Before long, instead of seeing ladies at the grocery store wearing dresses, you were standing in the 20-item-or-less line with a baggy sweat suit 4 sizes too big. Wearing a sweat suit in public is like totally giving up on life.

The 1990’s had its share of faux pas as well. Remember Birkenstocks? Again, it’s intent was very innocent, but the masses turned it evil by wearing Birkenstocks everywhere.  What makes Birkenstocks especially heinous is the open toe and heel design. At least with classic Crocs, the toes are covered. Birkenstocks showed the world how nasty a human’s foot could be. Between thick, crusty heels poking out the back and jammed-up toes in the front, let’s just all hold hands and agree that this is a dark period in American fashion history.

Living through the 90’s, one would think we would be wiser. Unfortunately we are not since I see Crocs popping up everywhere in a variety of colors. For your convenience, I have taken the liberty to establish some ground rules when it comes to wearing Crocs in public.

Rule #1: You may wear Crocs within the parameters of YOUR property line. If you live in an apartment, you are just screwed.  Ha Ha, just kidding, wear them in your apartment.

Rule #2: You may wear Crocs when engaging in any type of non-profit, or community work. I guess if you are building a house for Habitat for Humanity or raising money for the American Heart Association, you can wear whatever footwear you desire.

Rule #3: You may wear Crocs during any type of water related activity. Besides, that’s what Crocs were created for, people looking for waterproof footwear. I give a ‘diva pass’ to workers in the foodservice profession who work in the back… the way back, back.

So, just in case you crave Crocs, let’s just get this out on the table. Crocs are totally unacceptable at the movies, grocery stores, malls, job interviews, church, courtrooms, restaurants and grandma’s house. I’m glad I was able to clear this up for everyone. You’re Welcome!