I'm No Beach Believer

I like the idea of the beach, but…

By Sheryl Porter

With the bevy of beach inspired beauty products on the market, you can tell beauty brands really want you to daydream about the beach. Beach scented soaps, body oils and lip balms with the hope of taking us away to a sandy destination are quite dreamy, indeed. What images do you conjure up when you think of the beach? For me, any time I think of the beach, I instantly replay Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” video in my mind. If I could only be Helena Christensen (on black and white film) rolling around on a private black sand beach in Hawaii. With this being my ideal, you can only imagine that I am more than a little crestfallen when I go to a real beach. In full Technicolor, most beach experiences include you, with dozens, if not hundreds of strangers vying for the same  plot of sand. Also, dealing with children and coolers creates a scene more like the obstacle course television show “Wipeout” and less “Wicked Game”. That’s why I like the idea of the beach, but I really dislike the beach. 

Depending on if you view the glass half full, or half empty, I have been blessed/cursed with a very fair complexion. First comes burn, then comes peeling, then I get mixed up because ‘tan’ is not part of the hand I was dealt. 

What lies beneath: Let’s face it; the beach is a cesspool of germs with all those hairy, sweaty bodies. Not to mention the diaper toting tykes running around. I just threw up in my mouth a tiny bit.  I am not a germaphobe, but I’m not comfy at all with the fifth on the sand or in the water. When I was a child, I saw a TV news report about medical syringes being dumped in the ocean and washing up on the beach.  Since then, I have had a fear that while swimming in the ocean, I would get stuck with a hypodermic needle smack dab in the middle of my chest very reminiscent of Uma Thurman in ‘Pulp Fiction’.  Then, there is the thought of broken glass, sharks and jellyfish. Oh God, what if I got stung by a jellyfish? What if while escaping from the jellyfish a Good Samaritan, albeit a stranger, peed on me? 

Since sunbathing and swimming is out of the question, I could just crawl under an umbrella and read a book.  I could also read a book in my air-conditioned home, in private, without sand in my belly button hole or the fear of being peed on and save a ton of money on travel, hotel, meals, etc.  For the money I just saved, I could buy both the Harry Potter and Twilight series. For that matter, I could stock up on all the beach beauty products I can get my hands on! They smell way better anyway.